Let's Talk About S*x
Spoiler: It's sex we're talking about
Oh hi there!
Every few weeks, there is a tweet that circulates that says something like “I’ve never read a book or story that wouldn’t have been just as good or better without the sex scenes.” This is, of course, horse poo. And not because everything needs to be about sex. There are plenty of books and stories that don’t need sex in them and I think we’re also often remiss in that we don’t include the private lives of asexual people on our pages. But if your writing has adult characters in it, those characters will inevitably be thinking about sex at some point.
As a gay writer, there is, of course, instant sexualization regardless of whether or not your story has any sex in it. One thing society has yet to reckon with is this instant sexualization of LGBTQIA+ people and how this contributes to violence and shaming against our communities. But that is something I’ll write about another day.
We need to consider sex in our writing for a number of reasons. Sometimes it will be to titillate. Sometimes it will be to really get into a character’s head. Sometimes it will be to show the true dynamic of a relationship. Sometimes it will because you can’t think of anything else to have your characters to do and sex is more exciting than having them sleep or eat lunch.
Your stories are probably going to need sex at some point and there are ways to do it that will keep you comfortable and will also keep your reader comfortable (unless, of course, you want yourself or your reader to be uncomfortable, which is also a possibility).
The Exercise:
My friend and former professor Aubrey Hirsch (who is insanely talented and funny and wonderful and who has a Patreon here) once gave me feedback on a story where I’d done the “fade to black” thing (basically you say your characters are going to have sex and then do a … or end the chapter or have a section break) and said, “Tell us what is happening? What are they doing?” and it has stuck with me ever since. The decisions characters make in the sack are often more revealing than any others you can cram into a story, and it is also such a wonderful way to add complexity to characters and relationship dynamics. The key is to approach the writing of the sex scene in a way that makes you comfortable.
There are abundant quotes out there from (usually white male) writers saying that they will only write sex scenes that turn them on. Ew. Good for you, but it’s not a requirement. Like, I’m super happy if your sex scene turns you on, and I’m happy if a sex scene I’ve written turns me on, but I don’t need to know about that! I don’t want to imagine an aroused author while I’m reading, and I don’t want to think, “Oh, this person is really into spanking (that seems PG-13? This is a family-friendly newsletter)” if I’m reading about spanking in their book.
So this week, write a sex scene. Do so to the level that you are comfortable with. You don’t need to be X-Rated, but you need to remember that you can describe a characters’s sexual experience and stay PG-13 without having to fade to black.
The Steps:
Who is having sex? This might seem like a silly first step, but I’m serious. Even the hottest sex scenes should be about the characters. My favorite writer of erotica, James Lear (a pen name for Rupert Smith), writes to arouse but is always doing it with his character at the center of the action. Many of his novels star a sleuth named Mitch Mitchell, and even as he’s sexing his way through entire mysteries, Mitch’s character is growing as he’s at it. You’re learning his desires, his hopes, and also seeing him with the haughty veneer of a sleuth stripped away. (If you’re going to read James Lear, start with his first Mitch Mitchell mystery The Back Passage). So remember to think about who is having sex and why. There can be solo sex scenes, but if that’s the case, why is your character doing that? If there are two or more folks involved, make sure that they have names and backgrounds and bios, even if it is for your own use and not for inclusion in the story.
Why are they having this sex? Is your main character so passionate that he/she/they just has to whenever the chance arises? Is the world ending and your characters find themselves with only precious moments left? Is there a seduction? Is someone trying to spice something up? - and how spicy can it get before your character(s) get(s) uncomfortable? Is it out of passion? Is it out of duty? Remember to think about each person’s agency when putting them together. Even if you’re only interested in one character in terms of your overall story, knowing why the other party/parties are getting involved with your character will make the scene that much better.
The converse is also worth pondering; if you’ve got two characters who might consider having sex if they were in the real world, why are they not having sex in your writing? Are they just not interested, or is there something holding them back? Is there repression? Obsession?
Why are you writing this sex scene? (Again, the converse works here as well - if the story is calling for a se scene, why aren’t you writing it?) Is it to explore more of a specific character? Is it to build a relationship, or break it down? Are your characters spiraling or soaring?
What is the “danger level” of this sex? I would never encourage anyone to write about sexual violence unless they were completely comfortable with it, so that’s not what I’m saying here. What I mean is, if your characters are virgin college students finding passion for the first time, that would have a pretty high danger level in terms of how the characters are perceiving it, because they’ve never done it before. If it’s an affair, it’s implicitly dangerous. Are your characters in a more restrictive time period, or are they living in a repressed location/society? If you don’t know whether or not the sex is dangerous in the world of your story, then you haven’t developed the world of your story yet.
Remember all of the senses. Sex scenes are often written with only visual sense details included, and sex is a five-sense kind of deal. BUT remember - with great power comes great responsibility! Do not inadvertently include gross sex details. In my personal opinion, no one should ever refer to any orifice on the human body with adjectives that suggest plants, animals, or foods. Include smells, but don’t drown your reader in sweet scents and don’t assume that everyone likes a man to smell sweaty. Again, with these details, you need to return to the first three steps. The who and the why? If you’re character is a carpenter fresh from work, he/she/they probably smells a little bit. If they’ve been planning this encounter, they are probably a little nervous but also really well prepared. And why are you writing this? If you want to evoke danger, think about placing the scene in a place where those involved can be discovered. If you want it to be awkward, have your character concerned about breath or body order or what they ate for lunch.
Which leads us to a tip - throw your characters in the bath! Even in the fluffiest, most fantastical romance novel, I’m boggled if two characters go for a run, eat nachos, have some cocktails, and then jump into bed together. That’s not how it works! So unless your point is to talk about the discomfort of the encounter, an easy solution is to just have a character take a quick shower. The reader’s mind resets - your character is now fresh, awake, and ready to rumble. Bodies are wonderland and all of that, and no one is inadvertently gagging because of your scene.
Write out the whole thing. This doesn’t mean you’ll have to include the whole thing in your story, but the best moments from a sex scene can come from all sorts of surprising places, so writing out the full encounter will allow you to get what you want for your characters out of the scene. Are they disappointed in the finishing moments? Do they fall in love halfway through? Both? Neither? Was the foreplay awkward?
Remember bodies. Some people love their bodies, some are worried about them. Differently abled people have sex. Sometimes you’ll be reading a beautifully descriptive book and when it gets to the sex scene it is like two mannequins fell into a tumble drier together. People of different races have sex, and some people have feelings about that. Make sure to include those considerations. You don’t need to be “making a point” with your sex scene, but if it includes only white people with stereotypical bodies then you are making a point whether you want to or not.
Laugh at yourself. Revel in the weirdness of having to use a thesaurus for the word “butthole.” Don’t mix your metaphors too much, but also don’t stay on such a set metaphorical path that your sex scene reads like a baseball game. Have fun with it!
What I’m Reading:
Matt Bell’s Appleseed comes out this week and I am so, so excited about it. Bell is one of my favorite writers (weirdly enough, it was the aforementioned Aubrey Hirsch that turned me on to his writing), and he’s got such a beautiful way of mixing the real and the magical, and such a distinctly bold sense of imagination. I’ve returned to two of his previous books, Scrapper and In the House Upon the Dirt Between the Lake and the Woods just to immerse myself in his worlds before jumping into the next. I can’t recommend him enough, and I have this sneaky feeling that Appleseed is going to be a huge hit.
I’ve also returned to Eveningland by Michael Knight and Black Jesus and Other Superheroes by Venita Blackburn in anticipation of workshopping with them next week at the Sewanee Writers’ Conference. They are two of my very favorite writers and I cannot believe that I’ll actually get to do some work with them. I’m searching their books for hints at how to make them LOVE ME!
What I’m Watching:
I really enjoyed Fear Street: 1994 but Fear Street: 1978 was even better. I loved the summer camp setting and the girl power storylines. All three of the leads were exceptional, and all in different ways. Emily Rudd’s Cindy is a character who really grows over the course of the movie; I didn’t realize how much I was missing actual character development in horror movies until I watched Cindy grow in Fear Street. Sadie Sink’s Ziggy is such a wonderfully watchable grumpy teen, and I was really impressed by how different she made this character from her role on Stranger Things even though the two parts probably looked pretty similar on paper. And Ryan Simpkins is so great as Alice; you can feel the rage and sadness radiating off of Alice and then watch as Simpkins’ finds deeper layers within the character as the movie rolls along.
And I’m so impressed at how director Leigh Janiak tied this back to the first movie. And MORE lady directors of horror movies, please!
What I’m Playing:
I’m still deep in the candy-colored weirdness of Ratchet & Clank but I found a new mobile game that I must tell the world about. It’s called Overboard! and it is from the creators of 80 Days, which is probably my favorite phone game ever. Overboard! has you playing as a woman who has murdered her husband and needs to escape from the cruise ship she pushed him off of. Such fun! But, like 80 Days, it is the clever writing and little surprises that make the journey so fulfilling, and there are so many elements to discover.
Where I’m Shopping
My dear friend and teacher Amy Bonnaffons (author of the exceptional novel The Regrets and the beautiful short fiction collection The Wrong Heaven) has a Patreon and offers a truly helpful newsletter, writing prompts, and has options for editing and individual coaching. Working with Amy changed my work and my entire life. I’ve had a bit of a Summer of Anxiety and haven’t been able to work with her as much as I’d like, but even one workshop with her a couple of weeks back was enough to kickstart my creativity. Working with her is spiritual and natural and creative without any pressure to adhere to any ideology or writing style. It’s like she’s a tour guide, but she’s giving you tours of your own imagination? Your own potential? I cannot recommend her classes and coaching (and writing) enough!
My Work:
The fear around the vaccine (get your vaccine please!) has had me thinking of this story I wrote a few years ago about a young woman and a doctor who stumble upon a very strange and transformative treatment plan. It’s very short and fun - check out Glass City, Glass Heart.
Okay, that’s it for this week. Do something magical!
Mike